The Mothering Instinct

Chapter 13

The Mothering Instinct

Women are a peculiar lot. They are easily emotional, frequently fickle, irritatingly impossible, unfairly unpredictable, and hormonally horrible. If that wasn't enough there's yet another genetic annoyance that kicks in somewhere around their early twenties and forces them want to have babies. Its the Mothering-Instinct-Gene (MIG). And just like a MIG, it zeroes in for the kill. They don't want to have babies, this gene makes them want to hold cute cuddly babies in their arms. For the most part they can control the urge, but as time passes and that biological clock ticks, the urge becomes stronger and stronger. After a while they simply give in to its persistent call. In desperation, they marry to satisfy it.

I can not imagine actually desiring to give birth. The thought of passing something the size of a watermelon through a small opening after hours of agonizing contractions, not to mention lugging around all that extra weight for several months, and all of it accompanied by an emotional roller coaster just makes me want to up-chuck four or five recent meals. Hey, that reminds of a time when I wasn't feeling too well in the digestive area and low and behold the biggest... well, that's another story. Anyway, giving birth, though a great privilege for women, is scary and yukky business--it must be even worse for the girls.

About the time the mothering instinct begins to kick in is when women start acting weird. They fall in love with every baby they see. They dream about buying baby clothes and they start looking at men as potential fathers. Up until then they were fine. I mean, you could talk to them without them getting all emotional on you and crying at the sight of a baby stroller. I suppose when God made the birthing process He knew He better kick in another gene or two that would make women forget about the agonizing, dreadful pain and instead, love their wonderful children. By the way, have you ever seen new-born children? They are some of the ugliest things I've ever seen on the planet. They are slimy, all different colors, and they yell a lot--for no apparent reason. They look like slugs with arms. Well, I guess I'd be that way too if I just got shoved through a small opening. But back to the gene thing again. The mothering instinct is strong one and it can kick in at any time especially to unfulfilled wanna-be mothers. Remember the chapter on girl logic and the pet store where girls like infant animal forms? Well, I think animal cuteness to them has something to do with this latent mothering instinct, that and the bewilder filter. This explains why little girls like dolls, and big girls like babies--of almost any species.

Now think about this a bit. When a woman wants a cute cuddly little baby, what she is really saying (from a man's perspective) is something like this: "O.K. I want to carry an infant human form in my body, have back aches, get morning sickness, and then after nine months of unpredictable and uncontrollable irritability all blamed on my bewildered husband, I want this baby to pry its way out into the world kicking and screaming. This self extrication is accompanied by extreme pain. Then, I will get to have a pooping, urinating, screaming, whining, life-restricting infant human form that will complain, lie, become selfish, break things, cost thousands of dollars, ask millions of irritating questions, want money, then a car, and then leave the home saying, 'Thanks.'"

Men on the other hand are far more practical. We only need to look at a screaming, urinating, pooping child and we are cured forever of any desire to "mother". Instead, we have a fathering instinct that makes us want to buy them things like baseball gloves, football helmets, skateboards, and fishing tackle...and if its a boy, we like to buy them really manly things.

But the value of the mothering instinct to us is immense for several reasons. One, mothers can love extremely strange and ugly children and most of us are in that category. Two, mothers have a lot more patience than normal human beings. Men would usually kill where a mother would smile. And three, mothers are immune to the vomit, poop, screaming, whining, and complaining that would drive any normal male permanently insane in less than three minutes. Face it guys, we were meant to buy them baseball gloves, teach them how to spit, and tie fishing knots.

Now, there is a positive and a negative side to this mothering instinct thing. First the positive. Think about this. What might a girl think when she sees that you are slightly on the inept side when it comes to taking care of simple things like maybe cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, and staying organized? Why, the mothering instinct gene kicks in and she thinks, "This guy needs me." (This is a pre-programmed genetic response.) This is great, providing they don't want to burp you. Girls love, I mean love, to feel needed. And if you are quick witted, or dim witted, enough to use it to your advantage, you can capitalize on their genetic deficiency with relative ease.

Picture this: She is over your place for a nice romantic home cooked meal. (This is an important point. Do not have the meal ready before she arrives. Make sure she can see you prepare it. This way she can watch you meander clumsily around the kitchen.) You prepare the meal and add too much flour, not enough salt, and one too many eggs. Don't forget to drop a plate or two and to use way too many utensils. Generally, you should try to make a bigger-than-necessary mess. You can rest assured she will be observing this charade, flinching occasionally in culinary fits, and she will be thinking not only how stupid you are as a cook, but that you definitely need a woman around; namely, her. Whether or not she really likes you is not the issue at this point. If the mothering instinct kicks in while she is there you she will be just a little more drawn to you. Why? Because girls like to do mothering things. It makes them feel motherly. So help them feel fulfilled.

Or how about vacuuming? When she's around your place or, better yet, you are over at her place, volunteer to vacuum. Plugging it in should be natural enough and pushing it around should too. When you come to a table that has crumbs on it, don't wipe them off before you vacuum, do it after. She won't believe how stupid you are. That way you will definitely get her to think about you. Anyway, while vacuuming what you do is repeatedly and forcefully crash the vacuum cleaner into chairs, tables, walls, etc. She will panic! Not only will she not want you to do any housework, but she will be absolutely convinced that you're an obnoxious jerk. See how great it works? She will feel a slight sensation of the mothering urge to spank, but don't worry. You're bigger than she is.

Another area to take advantage of is washing clothes. Make sure that you wash clothes while she is over your place. Invite her to go to the laundry room with you and when you are sure she is looking, dump all your clothes into one washer. Make sure all the colors are with the whites and blacks. Pile them up like a mountain and then jump up and stuff, stuff, stuff. Then just sit back and watch her eyes bug out. Listen for gasps of terror (it is the exact same gasp breathed during horror movies). She will rescue your clothes, sort, scold you, tell you how to wash correctly, and then utter something like, "typical male." (Few girls can escape this clothes thing. It works every time.) Then, you thank her repeatedly, bow apologetically, smile, and take her out to dinner. This reinforces her motherly action. If you take her to dinner each time she does something motherly, you will soon have the girl of your dreams needing you to fulfil her motherly desires. It works every time.

Another area that activates this instinct is the grocery store. Make sure that when you go into the store together that you get lost. I don't mean leave, I mean get lost. Lose your sense of direction. Get confused and then ask her where they keep the toast. If she drops her face into the palm of her hands, you're on the right track. Remember to make a lot of blank facial expressions and confused type stares at various products (face-ercise should pay off here). Grab all the expensive meats and no vegetables. Also, get cookies, soda, chips, and ice cream. As sure as birds poop in the air you'll activate her mothering instinct. She will either dump you in two minutes, or tell you how to shop. Boy, have you got her wrapped around your finger. And just think about it, girls actually believe we are klutses around the house, that we really can't wash clothes, and that we really don't know how to shop. Boy, have you ever heard anything so ridiculous?

Another area of proper male impropriety is your place of residence. Is it spotless? Is it the epitome of cleanliness? If it is, you're in deep trouble. No, and I mean, no single guy's place should be spotless. It doesn't have to look like the city dump but it should be appropriately discumbuberated. Why? Because when a girl sees your place the mothering-instinct-cleanliness-gene kicks in and she will need to clean.

If you watch closely you will be able to see what looks like withdrawals on her pretty little face. First, she will frown and smile at the same time. Then she will turn around in a complete circle, slowly, as she surveys the fallout. Next, her breath will quicken. This is when you look at her hands. If they start to open and close then you know that she is wanting to start to clean. It will take a lot of self control for her to not jump right in and rearrange your entire place.

Now maybe you don't think that this is what happens to a girl. Maybe you think I am exaggerating. Well, I know for a fact that this is so. When I used to date and I took girls home to show them my place I would watch them closely. Most of them winced, and stumbled over their words a bit. What appeared to be repulsion and the desire to flee was in reality nothing more than the strenuous attempt to control the clean-up urge. They didn't fool me one bit. If you think about it, it was pretty considerate of me to let them in my place. You see, that is what girls and guys do. They help each other out.

There is a note of warning about the Mother Instinct. If by chance you do become proficient in using it to your advantage, make sure that you don't make the shameful mistake of letting her mother you too much. A little is all right, but you don't want to become a child in her presence. Save that for temper tantrums when you don't get your way at work or something happens to your precious car. Remember, you are a man. So act like it--kind of.

The other area I wanted to mention was the negative side of the mothering instinct. This really isn't anything you need to worry about -- unless something unusual happens. Let me illustrate with something that happened to me once.

There I was in a store in a line. To my right, about ten feet away, was a mother and a child in a shopping cart. She left her child, just for a moment, to get something off a shelf about twenty feet away. During those brief seconds, the child stood up, leaned over to the wall next to the cart and began to push. The cart moved out and the kid began to fall. I ran over to the cart and, just as the child was flipping over the side, I caught his pant leg. Well, with arm extended and straining, I managed to prevent the child from getting hurt. Everything was fine except for one thing. The child's head, ever so gently, bumped the floor. He began to cry. The mother turned around and saw what looked like... a guy holding her child by the leg, upside down, bouncing his head on the floor. It's a good thing there were twenty feet between us. As she raced to her child, revenge and death in her eyes, I blurted out, "He fell from the cart. I caught him!" I was ready to be ripped apart in motherly wrath, but the good Lord was watching me. Her anger subsided. She grabbed her child and fled. She didn't even say thank you.

Anyway, that is the dangerous side of the mothering instinct. Don't get between a mother and her child. You will be reduced to male pulp--and that is not fun.