FARQ’s

1. Why is my hair messed up when I wake up in the morning?
   1. This is due to the gravitational-flux-corpus that often occurs early in the morning when it begins to turn light outside.  Just shave your head before you go to bed to prevent further hair-mess-ups.
   2. The second option is to spray an entire can of hair-spray on it before you go to bed.  This will ensure your hair stays in one place.  The only problem is that the pillow sticks to your head.
2. I have a pain in my skull when I hit myself with a large stick.  How do I make the pain stop?
   1. You need to use a smaller stick.
   2. Some people think that you should not hit yourself with a stick, but we both know that these “people” do not know the sheer pleasure we feel when we stop hitting ourselves in the head with sticks.  It is completely worth it.
3. My dog likes to eat my socks.  Is this normal?
   1. Are the socks argyle or sweat socks?  If they are argyle, take your dog to the Vet and let him know.  He will be able to do an argilectomy.  If the socks are sweat socks, no biggie.  They taste good.  If they are any other type, we don’t know since the research results aren’t in yet.
4. What are those big brown sandy areas out there on the golf course?
   1. They are the diggings left over from Giant Gopher burrows.  Don’t hit your golf balls in there because the gophers might eat them.  Sometimes golfers loose a leg when the Giant Gopher’s surface in a ravenous eating frenzy.  We call this the Golfer Gopher Grab, or GGG, for short.
5.  Clouds really scare me.  What should I do?
   1. Don’t look up.  When you go outside wear a hat.  If you can’t help yourself and you just have to look up, don’t panic…. Unless you see a cloud shaped like a .44 magnum or an alligator.  If that happens, just go inside until it leaves.
6. Why is belching so refreshing?
   1. This is because it replenishes the belch glands.  Every now and then it is necessary to belch in order to empty the gland of stale belchnoss (also known as blechnaus) and produce more belchnoss, a chemical that helps males become buddies.  The louder the belch the longer it has been since the gland has been cleansed.  For this reason we advise regular belches.
7. I discovered that when I shove a sharp pencil up my nose, that it hurts real bad. Why?
   1. This is because the pencil is straight and the nose is not.  There are these curved empty areas behind the nose (not the brain cavity).  They are called sinuses.  Therefore, when you shove the pencil up your nose, you need to break it into smaller pieces and shove one piece at a time, sniffing strongly to get them in. 
   2. Also, if you stand on your head while shoving the pencil up your nose, you won’t feel as much pain.
   3. Using rubber pencils also helps.
8.  How often should I wash my clothes?
   1. That depends.  If flies drop dead near you, it is normally time to wash them.  If dogs look confused around you, this is also a good sign to wash them.  However, when dating, wash them before you go on a date and wait until she likes you a lot to stop washing them.  She will get mad at you, complain, try and change you, and start doing your laundry for you.  It works every time.
   2. If you can see through your pants, get new pants.  They are too old.
   3. Finally, if you can throw your socks at a wall and they stick like darts, then that is a good time to wash them as well.
9. Why do cats explode?
   1. Exploding cat phenomena (ECP) is very common among male cat owners.  A cat will be sitting there looking at you, or simply walking up to you and KABLAM!!! cat guts everywhere.  Scientists have been working on this for years but haven’t been able to figure it out.  I will offer my theories.  One, the cat explodes because cats deserve to explode.  Two, cats explode because they are like women:  finicky, don’t listen, whine a lot, etc.  I think they just get so frustrated that they explode, just like women.  Third, they explode when you feed them a case of beer and then shake them a lot.  Fourth, fir balls stop up their intestines and everything backs up until the pressure blows the cats to smithereens.
10. Why do girls to the bathroom in groups?
    1. Because they gossip in there.
    2. Did you ever hear the story of Mel Blargnok?  He was a bit tipsy one evening and accidentally ended up in the girls’ bathroom and sat down in one of the stalls.  A bunch of women came in there.  He just kept quiet.  He said they talked about guys, makeup, guys, cars, guys, clothes, guys, and their weight.  They were giggling a lot and gossiping up a tornado.  He wouldn’t have been discovered except for, well, to put it politely, he forced out a deafening release of noxious fumes that blew his stall door open.  The girls couldn’t see straight for about ten minutes and while they were hurling their guts out and gasping for air, he got out safe and sound.  Anyway, it’s a cool story and I like telling it.  So, there you have it.  They gossip.
11.  Why do mannequins make me nervous?
    1. Probably because you are neurotically unstable.  Do their eyes follow you when you walk by?  Are you tempted to ask one out on a date?   Do they talk about you behind your back?  If so, don’t tell anyone.
    2. The cure is to stare them down.  You have to be totally determined to beat them.  So, psych yourself up and stare the bajeebers out of them until they look away.  That will cure you.
12.  What is morning face?
    1. Morning face is when you wake up in the morning and your face is all messed up.  For example, your ears might be crooked, your nose is sideways, your eyes are backwards, etc.  The best way to get everything back in place is to bang your head against a wall, or use a large stick to jar it all loose.  Then put everything in order.  Of course, you might want to just leave it as is and go out in public around lunch time.  It is great to watch people cough their food up after gasping at you.  Also, women tend to hide their children.
13. What is the famous “Nose Fountain Trick” I’ve been hearing about?
    1. This is a well-known trick guys like to do at parties to impress girls.  First, you get beer that has been stored at room temperature.  You quickly drink at least three large ones.  You then do jumping-jacks for five minutes or until you think your stomach will detonate.  Then when your entire body is ready for the most monumentous belch of the year, you force it up with all your strength.  But as you do, keep your mouth closed – while putting your fingers in your ears.  The pressurized foam from the beer surges up into your sinuses and comes blasting out your nostrils like a leak in a deep-sea-submarine.  If you tilt your head just right, you can even spray people.  It is totally cool and the girls love it because they scream a lot and run – which, we know, is just their way of getting attention and saying we’re cool.
14. When I went to the zoo and stared at the gorillas, one stared back and waved.  Why?
    1. One explanation is that he recognized you.  Some scientists believe in what is called genetic memory.  That means that your ancestors’ memories are in you.  This can explain why the gorilla recognized you.
    2. What do you look like?  Are you big and hairy?  Or maybe your speech isn’t too clear and you sound and look like a gorilla and they are just trying to communicate with you.
    3. Another possible explanation could be found in the following true story.  A guy was watching gorillas at a zoo, just like you.  He had a scalding hot cup of coffee that was close to the temperature of lava.  A kid bumped him.  The coffee sloshed onto his trousers, right over his crotch.  He started screaming at the top of his lungs hurling gutteral, howls of pain into the air.  He was also violently hitting himself in the crotch while waving his arms around, hoping up and down.  The zoo keepers said that all the gorillas starting jumping up and down and hitting themselves, too.  After the commotion was over and he stopped screaming and all the gorillas relaxed.  They waved at him when he left.  They looked disappointed.  So, did you have a cup of coffee?

Return to More Stuff