Chapter 11

Live to Dress or Dress to Live

To be a man, you must dress like a man.  Do you know what colors are?  How about horizontal black and white stripes, do they appeal to you?  Is polyester your favorite fabric?  Do you dress yourself in the dark?  Do you like putting clothes on for the sole purpose of not getting cold, or maybe hiding a physical flaw... like your body?  Well, the way you drape or don't drape your physique in the latest styles directly affects your ability to look magazine-like.  You know, like those guys on the front of GQ magazine.  Remember, we average looking chumps must work with what we are stuck with.  So dressing becomes very important.

Now, most guys dress themselves from the rag pile without the slightest provocation of style.  The typical male looks into his closet or down onto his clothes heap on the floor, gets quickly confused, then intimidated, squints, and soon succumbs to deciding which of his shirts is the least wrinkled and less worn.  He'll pull out a shirt by a sleeve and kick the pile back into shape, throw the shirt on, and then repeat the process with a pair of buried pants.  Once dressed, he's ready to impress the world on how great a guy he is.  Well, let me tell you, a girl will judge the entire worth of your being by what you wear.  If you look bad, you are worthless.  You might as well join the army and do push ups.

Maybe you think I am exaggerating.  Heavens no.  I'm sure by now you realize that I write with the utmost sincerity, never exaggerate anything, nor make a mountain out of a mole hill.  I am completely unbiased, entirely accurate, and give nothing but brute facts.  Right?  Right.  I don't embellish one bit.  So trust me beyond all comprehension of reality.  Girls judge a man by what he wears (among other things).  Maybe it is another filter besides the Bewilder Filter.  Or maybe it is because women are into looking good and men are into covering themselves so they don't get arrested.  Instead you have to adopt what is essential in attire; it’s the GQ. View.  The GQ. View is how you must view yourself.  It’s what girls do.

Let's say you go to pick up your date to take her to a movie.  Of course you want to impress her and it certainly is within the realm of reality to be obnoxious and jerky in order to impress her with your wit and charm and incredible conversational skills.  BUT, you would be thrashing a host of unwritten dressing rules if you were to have the gall to appear at her front door dressed like an immigrant from Yugoslavia.  I can picture it now.  Your shirt is blue, your pants yellow, your sneakers white, and socks green.  She opens the door, looks, and steps back in definite but controlled repulsion.  Then in a high, nasal, whiny voice, you say, "Ready?"  Of course in her mind, she is thinking about the social suicide about to be committed by her being seen with you in public.  The only thing left for her to do is tell you her mother unexpectedly died, that she can't go out with you, slam the door appropriately in your face, and then move.  Being an obnoxious jerk is one thing, but dressing like one is inexcusable.

Even though your attire may seem like a rather adventurous color combination attempt, leave bad dressing to those whose social contact is so minimal that they don't know what color coordination is--like game show hosts and car salesman.  You, on the other hand, are without excuse.  You must impress your woman.  You must look dashing.  You must look GQ.  The only problem is, how do you do that?  Simple, get magazines.

You've seen those magazines in the stores.  You know, the ones with the incredibly handsome guys on the covers who are perfect, dressed in perfect outfits custom made by perfect magazine-tailor-people who want to sell their magazines by making these perfect guys look even more perfect.  Remember?  Well, if you don't, you can rest assured that any girl you know does.  If you've ever been in a store and watched a girl look at those magazines, you will see her exhibit a melting kind of expression followed by what appears to be a starry-eyed dreamy state having something to do with a desert island and one of those perfect males.  Of course, you have a pot belly, or no chest, or toothpick arms, or no I.Q., or no money, or whatever, and then this girl looks up from her self-induced hypnosis and notices you.  You smile.  She grabs her stomach and jerks a bit.  See?  And why is that?  Its because you have a stained T-shirt not quite covering your low hanging hairy belly!  If you're not GQ. you're nothing!

The GQ. View is a vital piece of dressing style.  You must look into these magazines and try to emulate what it means to be the epitome of well-dressedness.  You must invest some money in good clothes, not stuff you fix cars in.

What I am about to tell you is worth far more than you realize.  This is important.  Remember it.  Don't ignore the following very important, piece of advice.  Write it down, carry it with you.  This is it: 

When you go shopping for clothes, do not, I repeat, do not go alone.  Do not go without a girl.  Do not dress yourself.  Let her pick out clothes for you. 

This is a remnant of childhood days when your mother would dress you.  From day one we were taught to let women dress us.  The male dressing gland has atrophied into non-existence.  So, take a girl along and let her pick out whatever she wants for you.  Remember, she's had lots of experience dressing dolls.  If you don't like what she picks, too bad.  Buy it anyway and wear it.

If you don't know a girl who would actually be seen with you in public, then go to a store where girls work and get paid for dressing mannequins and men.  They HAVE to be nice and give helpful hints.  Listen to them.  Do what they say.  Buy everything they tell you too.  Remember, they have the GQ. View.

Badly Dressed Classifications

Following is a brief list of some of the styles that the male species often finds himself entangled in.  You need to find out if you fit into any one of these categories and then follow the prescribed remedies for each classification.

The Geek

The geek, doesn't care what he wears.  He finds last weeks shirt, yesterdays underwear, Wednesday's socks, and his favorite polyester, mini-plaid, stretch pants, throws them on, laughs euphorically and waddles off into the world.  Does he date?  Yes.  He dates geeky girls!  Does a geeky guy, mind dating a geeky girl?  No.  Why?  Because geeks of a feather flock together.

What should you do to remedy this situation if you are a geeky dresser?  Burn everything and go buy things that mannequins wear.

The Nerd

The nerd dresses a bit differently than the geek, though they can be difficult to tell apart.  He is usually distinguished by the pen shield he carries in his shirt pocket as well as the pants that are a bit too high.  He doesn't own a pair of sneakers and considers sports an interesting concept, but can't quite grasp the intricacies of social interaction centering on different kinds of balls. 

What sWhat should you do if you dress like a nerd?  Burn everything.             

The Dweeb

Dweebs are generally lacking in I.Q.  However, because low I. .Q. also includes jocks, an additional identification criteria must be introduced.  Dweebs walk funny.  When you see a dumb guy who is walking funny, you can be pretty sure he's a dweeb.  Dweebs like to dress up.  They think that putting clothes on is fun.  In fact, dweebs have often been seen laying out T-shirts, green shorts, and black socks out on their beds at night.  They chuckle in delight at the early morning pleasure of adorning themselves.

What is the cure for dweeb attire?  You guessed it.  Burn everything.  Join the geek and nerd, and (DAB).  Then go to a clothing store where girls work, say as little as possible, and ask their opinions on everything.  Then, buy what they recommend.

The Slob

The slob is kind of close to my heart.  There is nothing like the well arranged clothing of slobness.  It takes a real connoisseur of comfort to recognize the true value of slob attire.  Untied shoes are a delight to the feet.  An old worn pair of pants with rips are like an good friend.  An untucked shirt is free and natural.  Only slobs appreciate slobs.  I am glad I have a few friends I can slob around with.  If you are a slob, what should you do with your clothes?  Simple.  Pack them away until after you get married.  Then after the honeymoon, unpack them and dive in.  You’re set.

The Jock

The jock usually has a pretty decent body.  Naturally, he has learned what complements his physique and what does not.  Tight shirts show off muscles and tight pants, the rear of their behinds.  Jocks aren't that bad of dressers for the most part.  So, why did I include them in this chapter?  Because I like taking shots at them, like the one about no I.Q. above.  You see, I don't have to worry about them getting mad at me because if they are reading this they can't quite figure out if they are insulted or not.  They will just go out flex a few muscles, sink a few baskets, pound a few dweebs and nerds, and have a rather fun day.  Girls will come to them and they don't have to worry about anything.  It doesn't seem fair does it?

So, part of your movement into the best dressed hall of fame is the old "put off and put on" routine.  Put off the old, put on the new--it’s like breaking bad habits.

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