Chapter 3

Making a Good Impression

"Well hello, sweetness.  Come here often?"

How do you rate in the first impression department?  Do you leave women thinking about you with longing affection or lasting nausea?  First impressions are important, very important.  No matter what you think, no matter what you do, there will always be a first impression.  So be careful.

I remember once attempting to impress a girl with my marginal athletic ability.  Since I am not muscular (more like a pole with clothes on) I naturally fell into the gentleman's sport:  tennis.

It was back in high school where I had a crush on Debbie.  There she was walking by the tennis court where I had been serving my usual monstrously powerful mega-blasto serves that erased paint lines.  Well, this serve was going to be extra mighty.  I timed everything perfectly.  I got set at the base line.  I bounced the ball.  She was getting closer.  I bounced the ball again.  She was even closer.  I bounced it again.  She was close!  One more bounce and then the toss to serve.  I bounced the ball--except for one thing.  It hit a perfectly placed puny pebble, and bounced up at a strange angle--right up my tennis shorts and hit me in my... well, you know what I mean.  I remember this gut aching sensation enveloping my entire being.  It robbed me of all my strength and forced me to collapse to the ground and become one with the cement.  I was groveling, salivating, and moaning in rather annoying guttural offerings of aching ineptitude--I sounded like a frog in heat.  For the next few seconds, it seemed that I was semi-conscious as waves of pain repeatedly washed over my body and through my brain.  Despite the rather distracting waves of misery beating every pain nerve into submission, I managed to catch a brief glimpse of her.  She was watching me hold myself, roll around on the ground, and moan loudly.  As sure as bears poop in the woods, she was not impressed.

If you guys think that was bad, you should have been at the batting cage with me when I foul tipped a 50 mph hard ball down onto the cement and straight up into my groin.  It was a 7, 10 split (bowling lingo)!  I had lumps in my shoulders for days.  Now, that is pain!  I would have preferred a complimentary groin kick from a Samoan.

Anyway, do you get my point?  First impressions are important.  They are like eye glasses:  it is how she will view you from then on.

The key to impressions is to make the first one the right one.  So, I recommend being nothing like you really are.  Instead, be kind, humble, gentle, courteous, caring, thoughtful, polite, attentive, and patient.  Girls have a weakness for nice guys.  And when you combine it with jerky qualities, they don't have much to resist you with.  The idea is to impress her with how sweet you are.  Then, after you get to know each other, convince her the jerky qualities that reveal themselves are cute idiosyncrasies.  In other words, you have a few minor emotional problems that manifest themselves in various forms (like watching sports on T.V. for 12 hours a day).  Of course, the mothering instinct gene kicks in and she will want to take care of you by fixing you.  It works almost every time.

Generally speaking, the best way to make a good impression is to not try to make one.  I've seen guys try to impress a girl.  They look just like guys trying to impress a girl.  They are affectionately referred to as stud-puppets and are often the subjects of feminine mocking. 

Stud-puppets are guys who suddenly change their walk and talk when they are in the "impress" mode.  They see a girl and presto, they change into stud-puppets manipulated by their own "need to impress."  For example:

I can remember once being in a weight room during my more zealous youthful exuberance of physical self improvement.  In walked a babe.  I went straight over to the barbell rack, yanked a huge 40 pounder over my head, put it down, and then headed straight for men's locker room, where I yelled and then cried like a baby.  After the tears stopped, I headed out to the whirlpool where my mangled muscles could mend.  A week later, I was back for more and passed by the same babette.  As I glanced her way I noticed she was looking at me.  I stuck out my chest, sucked in my gut, pretended I was coordinated, and strutted over to another set of weights -- all the while glancing at myself in the mirror.  That is when I tripped over the strategically placed five pound weight on the floor. 

Crashing to the carpet in a complex series of acrobatic twists and turns aided by a complete loss of motor control and illustrated appropriately with a host of grunting noises is bad enough.  But when you are trying to impress a beautiful girl and the only thing happening is that your face is meshing with a rack of weights, all hope of making a good impression is permanently gone.  

So, you see, don't try to impress a girl.  Just be yourself.  Don't be a stud puppet and make google eyes.  Don't lick your lips and don't whistle.  Don't walk around with expanded chest and studly gate.  Just be a human.  Be patient.  Wait for the right opportunity to introduce yourself.  In fact, wait until some other stud-puppet has made a fool of himself and then you quickly introduce yourself.  That way, you will look a lot better.  It works.

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