Chapter 1

Regarding the Wooing of Women

So many women, so little time! 

What is the best way for a man to woo and win the woman of his dreams?  For that matter is there a best way?  Are there things you should and shouldn't do?  Are there things you should and shouldn't say?  What about clothes, what kind should you wear?  And last but not least, how do you get a girl to like you for what you really are:  desperate.   This single man's dilemma is formidable.

If you are reading this book, then I assume you need help.  If you need help, you're probably desperate.  If you are desperate, then this book is appropriate because I go to desperate ends to figure, explain, and teach you the in's and out's, not only of dating strategy, but also of female behavior.

Now, if you're not one of those guys who looks so good that women trip over their feet just looking at you, and if you don't have enough money to impress the bajeebers out of them, and if you don't have a body that looks like it's been carved out of marble, then there is only one thing left for you to work with:  your personality.

Yes, personality.  You know, you comment about a girl's personality when she isn't too attractive, has a shrieking nasal laugh, or needs to lose about 700 pounds.  You say in response to queries about her, "She has a nice personality".  Has anyone said that about you?  They have about me. 

Fortunately, though, I am married to a pretty darn attractive woman.  How did I get her to marry me?  Simple.  I was an obnoxious jerk who managed to get her to think about me so much that she soon realized she loved me.  You see, if you are just on the right side of "different" and "strange", but not too different or strange, then the slightly irritating obnoxious things you do in her presence will cause her to think about you.

Picture this.  You're on a date, you're witty, charming, and manage to impress her with nothing more than conversation and anecdotes.  The date ends.  She goes to work the next day and finds herself thinking about you.  Why is she thinking about you?  Is it because you look like a Greek god?  Heavens no!  Is it because you have enough money for her to want to think about you?  Of course not!  I'll tell you why she is thinking about you.  Its because you're interesting, challenging, and enjoyable (or strange, weird, and different).

Since you know she’s thinking about you, you risk a substantial part of your ego and ask her for another date.  Against her better judgment she accepts, and again you impress her with witticisms, anecdotes, and fascinating stories of how humble and kind you are and that children love you deeply.  She has no choice but to find herself thinking about you again the next day.  The only logical conclusion for her is that she likes you. 

Logic works to your advantage here.  Girls aren't logical with guy-type logic.  They will assume they are thinking about you because they like you, not because you spilled ice cream on your pants.  This is girl-logic and I discuss it fully in chapter five.  Anyway, do you see how important dating strategy is?  You absolutely must approach dating as a semi-conniving, desperate attempt to get female attention.  If you don't, well, good luck.

Finally, perhaps your personality stinks.  Maybe you aren't witty, charming, and humble like me -- I'm proud of my humility.  Maybe you have the personality of gym socks.  Maybe you are about as exciting as poop on a stick.  It doesn't matter.  If you can be obnoxious, if you can be a jerk, and if you can read, then you're practically married already.  All I have to do is give you pointers on the do's and don't's of wooing and then encourage you into truly inspiring tirades of idiocy and jerkiness, all intended for various, but well planned, courting maneuvers.  Trust me, I'm good at this.

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