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Chapter 7 What Not to Say to a Woman
The preceding statements are not simply dumb blunders, they are profound dumb blunders. Profound dumb blunders should be saved for the proper company of accomplished blunder makers where the syntactical stumble can be properly savored in intellectual mastication. In other words, save them for the guys who will think you're cool. Women, on the other hand, consider profound oral blunders indicative of low-level intelligence (that is why it is often best not to talk much.) When you speak to a woman you must be careful, considerate, kind, gentle, and have her interests as a priority in your life. This does not mean saying something stupid about her hair after she gets back from having it cut, permed, primped, styled, and fixed. After all, why is she doing this? So she will look good for you! So, don't say, while scratching your head and squinting your face, "Uh, yea, I, uh, like what they did to your hair." With that intellectually void linguistic goof, you will set her affections back a year. And for what, opening your mouth and giving an opinion. This brings us to another point regarding women. The only opinion worth giving is one that makes your date look and sound great. Be tactful. Don’t lie, but always find something to compliment her about. Sincerity and honesty always pay off. So be careful when you speak and say lots of complimentary things. Oh and remember to beware of the Bewilder Filter. What you need to do is rehearse in your mind the proper things to say to a woman. For example, you say, even though her hair looks like rats are nesting in it, "I noticed you had your hair done." And here's another thing. You don't say, "I like your dress." You say, "You make that dress look great." You see, it is polite to account her attractiveness to her and not the dress. The proper sentence is "You make that dress look great," not, "Now, you finally look good since you got some decent clothes." The first sentences is gentlemanly, the second is geeky and can get you smacked in the arm or even suffer "the dreaded look"! ...shudder... Never, I repeat never, ever, ever, say to your date, "Hey, your sister is cute." That is one of the dumbest, most stupid, inane things you could ever let dribble out of your mouth. What are you trying to do, get yourself punched in the arm? I mean, what if you brought a girl home from a date and your brother was there and all your date did was talk about him? How would you feel? Well, I know how I would feel, like doo-doo. And don't forget about a girl's weight. They are fanatical about it. Basically, you can't say anything good, ever, when you have a sentence with the word "weight" in it. Remember the Bewilder Filter! You can rest assured it will kick in with full force as soon as weight becomes even a hint of an issue. For example, after she has gone shopping and is modeling a new pair of pants for you, consider the harmful side-effects of saying anyone of the following sentences:
Sentence
one, "Your weight is fine," you say considerately.
Sentence
two, "It's a good thing you're not putting on weight."
Sentence
three, "Now wait a minute, I've never seen a pair of pants quite like that." You see, it's dangerous to use that word around a girl. The Bewilder Filter is waiting to pounce into action and when it does, you are more than likely going to be doing some heavy groveling, apologizing, and word-eating. I like to simply stare blankly back at her at various questions she asks. I don't do anything. I just stare and don't move. She'll think you're weird, but that's okay. Well, I think I've gotten my point across sufficiently. Its quite simple: be very careful about what you say as well as what you don't say.
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